Originally Published: March 30, 2020

What are the two big pieces of dating advice you constantly hear if you grew up in the church?

Ding, ding, ding! You got it!

1. Save sex for marriage

2. Make sure they’re a Christian

While these two things are extremely important, I think the church misses out on some key issues if this is all they talk about…

Here’s why: Just because someone is a Christian, is saving themselves for marriage, and also happens to be ssuuuper cute ;), does NOT mean they are the right person for you.

People aren’t perfect and being a Christian does not automatically make someone quality boyfriend or girlfriend material.

You see, I know without a doubt that there are many wonderful, attractive Christian guys out there who would make an awesome boyfriend for some lucky girl, but I’m looking for more than just a nice, Christian guy. And you should be too (Unless, your a guy…lol then you should be looking for more than just a nice Christian girl 😉 ).

As a Christian, what should you look for in a boyfriend or girlfriend? While the answer to that question will be different for each person, here are some important (and practical) things to consider while daydreaming about that cute guy, or gorgeous girl in your life:

• Spiritual Maturity – If someone calls themselves a Christian, but their life looks no different than an unbeliever’s they are bad news, my friend! If someone is truly a follower of Christ there will be evidence of growth and authenticity as well as progressing maturity in their walk with Christ. 
• Core Beliefs – No two people will agree 100% on everything and you don’t want to date a carbon copy of yourself, but it is necessary for you to be on the same page when it comes to your most foundational beliefs. This also meansyou need to know what you believe and why you believe it or else you’ll get wishy washy if you have to break things off. Why is this so important? Well, if you’re dating someone, there’s a pretty good chance you could fall in love with this person… And although I believe love is ultimately a choice, your life together will be much easier if you agree in this area.
• Similar Direction – If being with this person is complicating and distracting you from the things you know God has already called you to do, they probably aren’t the best person for you to be dating. As a Christian, the person you date and eventually marry should compound your impact for the kingdom of God, not diminish it. This person should be someone who encourages and takes part in your desire to glorify God with your life however he has called you to do so. There’s nothing better than being with someone who wants to spend time serving the Lord together.
• Encourages & Challenges You – The person you date should be someone who challenges you to grow, both spiritually and just as a person. Ask yourself: Does this person draw me closer to the Lord or distract me from His calling on my life? This also applies to your individual passions and desires. Even if they could care less for their own sake, does this person get excited about the things you love simply because you love them?
• Don’t Play the Change Game – If you aren’t ok with the person they are right now, flaws and all, don’t date them. While ideally you should encourage and challenge your boyfriend/girlfriend to grow, the only person you can change is yourself. Whether or not they change is completely out of your hands. Change is something that happens at the heart level and is solely between them and the Lord.
• Date Intentionally – Lastly, don’t just date to date. Check you’re motives! If you’re dating someone just to have a good time, or because you’re lonely and tired of being single, then maybe you shouldn’t be dating at all right now. True satisfaction and fulfillment can only be found in Christ and until you realize that your identity is found in Him, you will always struggle with idolizing your relationships. Your boyfriend/girlfriend will never be able to fulfill all of your deepest desires. They are a fallible, flawed human being. They can’t be your savior. And you, no matter how hard you may try, can never be theirs.

Now hold up for a sec. By now you’re probably asking:

“Wait… So Kindra, you’re saying that I need to know that the person I’m interested in meets all of these qualifications before we even go out on our first date? That’s crazy!”

Don’t freak out! I hear ya…and my answer?

You’re right, it is crazy. 

Plus, you two would be in the dating, but “not dating” phase for waaaaaaayyyy too long by that point anyway haha!

So no, that’s NOT what I’m saying.

What I AM saying is that these are qualities you need to be on the look out for as you get to know and go out with your S.O. Don’t just be satisfied with the fact that they call themselves a Christian. As my mom has told me many times:“When you’re dating, keep both eyes wide open. When you’re married, just squint.”

Also, chill out! Relax… Just ’cause you go on a couple of dates with someone does not mean you are obligated to spend the rest of your life with them! If someone catches your eye and (after getting to know them for a bit) you don’t see any red flags, go for it!

Just know your standards and don’t compromise them! Know what your non-negotiables are and try to keep your head on straight. How are you supposed to do that? Pray. A lot. Like A LOT, A LOT.

And get council! If you don’t have someone older and wiser in your life mentoring you, find somebody!

That way if a few dates in some important things aren’t lining up right, you have the ability to recognize that fact, address the issue and if need be, break it off. In the end, it’ll save you and the other person from some unnecessary heartbreak.

I cannot over emphasize how important prayer is in this whole process. Often times the heart wants what the heart wants and that can produce some cloudy judgement. The heart is deceitful above all things! That is why you MUST spend time in the Word of God and in prayer if you are to guard your heart as you navigate your love life.

Alright, I digress.

Know your standards, don’t sweep things under the rug, and most importantly PRAY.

Keep seeking Him first!

– Kindra 😉

Questions for Reflection:

• What are you looking for in a boyfriend or girlfriend?
• What are your standards? Which things are flexible and which are non-negotiable?
• What are your core beliefs?

A Note from the Author:

When it comes to relationships, everybody has different opinions, even among Christian circles. This is why it is so important that you study God’s word and make up your mind for yourself! Although dating is not specifically addressed in scripture, there are many Biblical principles that can provide a foundation for honoring the Lord in your relationships. If you’re curious, here are a few of the many passages you can use for further study on this topic :).

• Proverbs 27:17 (Do they sharpen you?)
• Song of Solomon (This one might be a bit uncomfortable to read, but Song of Solomon emphasizes the importance of purity in relationships and urges its readers not to inflame sexual desire until the proper time…aka marriage. )
• Matthew 5:27-30 (Lust/Physical Boundaries)
• John 15 (Bearing Fruit)
• 1 Corinthians 7:32-35 (This whole chapter discusses marriage, but I think these verses in particular are important to consider when dating. Does your boyfriend/girlfriend compound your impact for the kingdom, or distract you from God’s calling on your life?)
• 1 Corinthians 13 (What real love looks like between brothers and sisters in Christ…try replacing “love” with their name and see if it’s accurate 😉 )
• 2 Corinthians 6:14-18 (Do not be unequally yoked)